Sweet Journeys

It's been many days since I've posted here. I guess I've been in a bit of a fog or slump or what have you this past month. Maybe it's the result of not allowing myself to feel very much over the last year with regard to my mother's illness and passing in October. Maybe it's the loss of my long time feline companion, Indya. Maybe the loss of my father less than two years ago still comes to the surface now and again. Or it could be the sudden mortality reminder we received when one of my brothers had a heart attack last January. 2008 was not the best year for my family but we deal with what we must and move on with our lives. I think all of the above have played a hand in my recent "shut down" (for lack of a better term), however, I know there's something more.

I wouldn't call it anything as dramatic as a mid-life crisis but I do think that I'm tired of the status quo and want something more. Don't get me wrong; I have a happy marriage and a wonderful son, my job is just fine and I work with good people.  I've struggled the last year with fighting myself in the area of writing, but I think there's something deeper going on here. Fear. My life, in fact many of our lives, have been ruled by it. It's not like I'm constantly looking over my shoulder but I do allow fear to stop me from doing things I love or could potentially love. As a people pleaser, I don?t want to upset anyone, and being somewhat insecure, I don?t want to do anything that would give room for someone to dislike what I?ve said or done. Enough. I?ve said it before but really, now?s the time to shed all of this crap. We can?t make everyone happy. There will be people who will not like us for whatever reason. Some people will not get what we?re about and that will just have to be okay.

To be a good or excellent writer, we have to put ourselves out there, say what we have to say, regardless of what others will think. We must speak our truth. I?m not sure I always know what that is. In fact, most of the time, I don?t. You?d think by 44, I?d have some idea of what my purpose is in this life. Sometimes, I think I know; other times I?m completely clueless. Perhaps we all feel that way.

One thing I do know is that I want more. I want to do more; not just writing and drawing but getting involved in something that makes a difference. There was a time when I wanted to help save the world, one person at a time. Be it counseling, field work, helping at shelters, giving the gift of time, music, an open ear and sturdy shoulder. I?ve never strayed from wanting to do these things but that desire can easily be set aside while life takes over and we get caught up in the day to day grind of living. I?m not proposing that I?ll suddenly drop everything, leave my family and go on a string of missions trips. Along with trying to be a better person in the everyday, it would be nice to pick up one activity with a deeper purpose. There was a time when I entertained the idea of counseling unwed mothers and mothers-to-be. I was one once and could maybe help at least one other person in the same position. I have no formal training in this area but maybe I could volunteer. I?d also like to help kids with learning disabilities, more specifically Autism, Aspergers, PDD, etc. Having a child with Aspergers makes me qualified in this area. There?s the possibility that I am too close to this issue and it could hurt, but if I didn?t work with these kids directly, maybe I could use whatever power I have to organize events or something of that nature. As it is almost January, and the time for resolutions, maybe this year?s resolution will run along these lines. Sure, I could certainly use to lose a few pounds, and I will work on that, but how about choosing a resolution that will positively affect more than just me and my immediate family?

I don?t mean to sound egotistical, like I could truly save the world one person at a time, but what harm could there be and doing what I can? The recent tragedy my dear friend Jane is dealing with right now brings home the reality of not waiting until the time is right. We don?t know how much time we have so why not get to it?  I hope my family will want to join me.

You know, I just wanted to join a writing community and get a little feedback on my writing.  What I received at Urbis was, unfortunately, a reminder of how elitist and angry some people can be.  I expected that some people would understand and enjoy my writing, some would think it was okay and, hopefully, make some constructive criticism, and there would be a few who would completely trash it.  That's pretty much how it turned out.  What I found unfortunate was how the reviewing rules and overall vibe of the community made for an upsetting experience. 

Let me explain.  In order to read the reviews others have made of your work, you must earn points by reviewing the work of others.  Those points are then used toward the reviews you received.  Nothing wrong there.  What I had a problem with was the fact that you could write a good review of someones work and then they could ask for a "refund" because there was no constructive criticism included in the review.  I can see asking for a "refund" if someone totally trashes your work in a very mean and not constructive way, but to be granted a refund when someone liked your work and had only nice things to say about it?  When someone is granted a refund, they receive the points back that they used to read the review.  The person who gave the review then has points taken from their total (either right away or after three reviews given that received refunds). 

The rules say you should try to have your review say something specific about the writing so the writer knows you didn't just say any old thing to earn points and to show that you actually read the work.  I don't know how many reviews I read that were not specific in the least.  I never asked for a refund but perhaps I should have.  Admittedly, the following review is not specific, but would you have complained had you received it?

"OMG!  This is a riot!  I love the word creations and the way the words dance around each other.  Awesome work!"

It is a short review and would not have required many points to open it up.  I won't post the work that was reviewed as that would not be right but I can tell you it was a poem.  I get that this is a "serious" site where people are looking for feedback that will help them improve their writing and their chance at getting published.  However, if someone genuinely likes your work and cannot think of anything that would make it better, are they supposed to make something up to avoid having their review refunded? 

I've read many of the forum entries and a good majority of them are upsetting in that they sound angry and elitist, like a bunch of snobs biting at each other, nip, nip, nip... how long will it take for me to really piss you off?  That's not what I signed up for. 

Urbis is great in that there are often opportunities for people to get their work published.  It is also important to receive feedback on your work, good and bad.  I just don't think it is right for someone to be penalized for enjoying someone else's work.  Not everyone is a reviewer.  This community can help you become a better one, however, that was not my main objective in signing up.  If I like something, I'm going to say so.  If I can't think of any constructive criticism because I think the writing is fantastic, I'm not going to make something up.  Grrrrr!!!  I get the whole idea of receiving and using points for the reviews and a little healthy competition can be good but I think the current system only aides the already confrontational and malicious people in becoming even more so.  Maybe I was just unlucky enough to run into the wrong people.

I enjoyed receiving great reviews at Urbis but overall the experience left a bad taste in my mouth.  To rid myself of that, I thought I'd try another writing community in hopes that it would not be the same.  Enter Editred, a different experience altogether.  For me, it has been a much more positive experience.  It is not just a big feel-good suck-up session as constructive criticism is given but it is just that:  constructive.  People seem to be much more supportive and read as if they truly want others to succeed. 

I'm not saying that you should not try Urbis because maybe you'll find the experience different than mine.  I do, however, think that the review structure should be reviewed and anyone writing nasty forum entries should be reprimanded in some way. 

I am still looking at other writing communities and will report my findings here.  If you should decide to join one, I hope your experience is a positive one!

[REPOSTED FROM TEXTY LADIES BLOG]

I'd like to thank everyone who has kept my family and me in their thoughts and prayers over the last few weeks due to my mom's sickness and passing.  It has meant so much and it was wonderful to feel supported in that way. 

After my mother's memorial service on Monday, many friends and family came over to our house to share a meal.  When everyone but our immediate family had left, some of us stepped outside to enjoy a few moments of balmy November weather when we noticed we had a visitor.  A beautiful bald eagle was sitting in our Maple tree.  I have not seen one in our neighborhood before.  It seemed strange that it would be there and someone made the comment that maybe it was Mom or Dad giving us a message.  Later that night, I did a little research on the spiritual meaning of eagles and this is what I found:

The Eagle represents spiritual protection, carries prayers, and brings strength, courage, wisdom, illumination of spirit, healing, creation, and a knowledge of magic. The eagle has an ability to see hidden spiritual truths, rising above the material to see the spiritual. The eagle has an ability to see the overall pattern, and the connection to spirit guides and teachers. The eagle represents great power and balance, dignity with grace, a connection with higher truths, intuition and a creative spirit grace achieved through knowledge and hard work.

For the Egyptians, the eagle was the messenger to the gods and the sun, a symbol of eternal life.  To Native American cultures, it tells us that the universe is giving us the opportunity to fly above our life's worldly levels, or above the shadow of past realities.  The Eagle asks us to grant ourselves permission to be free in order to reach the joy that our heart desires.

I'd like to believe that this Eagle was carrying our prayers to God or maybe it was there to give us strength and healing.  The Eagle sat there for some time, then slowly soared back and forth above the trees, its magestic wings spread wide.  Perhaps its visit was to tell us that Mom is now soaring high above this life's cares and worries and that we can rest easy.  It felt like a thank you, a benediction...a promise for the future.

Maybe it was nothing more than happenstance and my proclivity for the romantic.  Regardless, it gave me joy and a sense of future things.  I miss my mother but know that she has been returned to herself and soars high and close to God.

Has anyone else experienced something like this?  Do signs like this really exist and what do we do with them?  I'd love to hear your thoughts.

In my quest for the perfect free, or nearly free, website, I have landed here at www.freewebs.com.  There are some neat features here and I like the option of being able to sell my wares, whatever they may be, directly from this site. 

I have become a blog addict in the last year after starting my first one over at LiveJournal.  Since then, I have created several blogs but only a few receive my continuing attention. 

My hope is that freewebs will turn out to be the elusive mix of options I've been looking for because I truly am a monogamous kinda gal.  Maybe I've found in freewebs my perfect site.