Sweet Journeys

It's been many days since I've posted here. I guess I've been in a bit of a fog or slump or what have you this past month. Maybe it's the result of not allowing myself to feel very much over the last year with regard to my mother's illness and passing in October. Maybe it's the loss of my long time feline companion, Indya. Maybe the loss of my father less than two years ago still comes to the surface now and again. Or it could be the sudden mortality reminder we received when one of my brothers had a heart attack last January. 2008 was not the best year for my family but we deal with what we must and move on with our lives. I think all of the above have played a hand in my recent "shut down" (for lack of a better term), however, I know there's something more.

I wouldn't call it anything as dramatic as a mid-life crisis but I do think that I'm tired of the status quo and want something more. Don't get me wrong; I have a happy marriage and a wonderful son, my job is just fine and I work with good people.  I've struggled the last year with fighting myself in the area of writing, but I think there's something deeper going on here. Fear. My life, in fact many of our lives, have been ruled by it. It's not like I'm constantly looking over my shoulder but I do allow fear to stop me from doing things I love or could potentially love. As a people pleaser, I don?t want to upset anyone, and being somewhat insecure, I don?t want to do anything that would give room for someone to dislike what I?ve said or done. Enough. I?ve said it before but really, now?s the time to shed all of this crap. We can?t make everyone happy. There will be people who will not like us for whatever reason. Some people will not get what we?re about and that will just have to be okay.

To be a good or excellent writer, we have to put ourselves out there, say what we have to say, regardless of what others will think. We must speak our truth. I?m not sure I always know what that is. In fact, most of the time, I don?t. You?d think by 44, I?d have some idea of what my purpose is in this life. Sometimes, I think I know; other times I?m completely clueless. Perhaps we all feel that way.

One thing I do know is that I want more. I want to do more; not just writing and drawing but getting involved in something that makes a difference. There was a time when I wanted to help save the world, one person at a time. Be it counseling, field work, helping at shelters, giving the gift of time, music, an open ear and sturdy shoulder. I?ve never strayed from wanting to do these things but that desire can easily be set aside while life takes over and we get caught up in the day to day grind of living. I?m not proposing that I?ll suddenly drop everything, leave my family and go on a string of missions trips. Along with trying to be a better person in the everyday, it would be nice to pick up one activity with a deeper purpose. There was a time when I entertained the idea of counseling unwed mothers and mothers-to-be. I was one once and could maybe help at least one other person in the same position. I have no formal training in this area but maybe I could volunteer. I?d also like to help kids with learning disabilities, more specifically Autism, Aspergers, PDD, etc. Having a child with Aspergers makes me qualified in this area. There?s the possibility that I am too close to this issue and it could hurt, but if I didn?t work with these kids directly, maybe I could use whatever power I have to organize events or something of that nature. As it is almost January, and the time for resolutions, maybe this year?s resolution will run along these lines. Sure, I could certainly use to lose a few pounds, and I will work on that, but how about choosing a resolution that will positively affect more than just me and my immediate family?

I don?t mean to sound egotistical, like I could truly save the world one person at a time, but what harm could there be and doing what I can? The recent tragedy my dear friend Jane is dealing with right now brings home the reality of not waiting until the time is right. We don?t know how much time we have so why not get to it?  I hope my family will want to join me.